I’ve read a blog today by a mother of 4 boys who remains anonymous. It made me realize how I am as a mother. The blog is called “The Orange Rhino Challenge”. Google it if you’re interested. I know there are many more who can relate.
I’ve also seen this link on FB today which made me write about this topic on my letter this month to my girls. > > The Important Thing About Yelling
And for my May 2013 series of letters to my daughters, I am writing to both my girls.
Last night, around almost midnight, my usual bedtime and yours too, the TV was on after getting ready for bed because as usual, you’re not sleepy yet. You turned to me while I was already falling asleep and told me that you didn’t want to watch TV anymore and just wanted the iPad. I then asked you to turn the TV off. A few seconds later, you started crying and told me that you still wanted to watch.
I was tired and sleepy and all I heard was crying. So I got mad and yelled and screamed at you. “Why would you turn it off when you still want to watch?” I asked. And you just kept on crying, left the room and went to your Dad for comfort.
This week I got a call from your school letting me know that they still haven’t gotten a copy of your immunization record. I made copies last week and gave them to you so you can hand it to your school’s office. You know it’s a requirement so you can go to middle school. I asked that you leave it in your homework folder so you will see it and won’t forget to turn it in. The following day I asked you, just to check if you had given it to them and you said you did. After getting the call, I realized that you lied to me again about something really simple. Something that you could’ve just told me you haven’t turned it in yet because you forgot.
I remember a couple weeks back, I found a tupperware still filled with food inside your dresser. I don’t know how long it’s been there but I was just at rage and very disappointed that you would do something like that. You said that you forgot to clean up your lunch bag the day you came home, brought the tupperware in your bedroom and hid it because you know that I will get mad at you if I find out you didn’t clean up your lunch bag.
You see, when I became a mother, I slowly realized that I also became a yeller. I yell over little things that irritated me.
It’s when your room, Chloe, has mess everywhere. Your tiny bedroom in which all corners have little things that is not supposed to be there. Clothes thrown on the floor, books stacked up on top of your drawer, piano stool not pushed under the piano, socks (dirty socks) in between the the gap of your bed and your dresser, and yes sometimes, under your pillows. It’s when you take forever in the shower (and know that by the time I jump in the shower myself to get ready for work there will not be hot water anymore) when you know we are running late in the morning. It’s when you move too slow when you know we need to hurry up because we will be late on something or somewhere we need to be. It’s when you walk inside our condo with your shoes when you know I just mopped and steamed the floor.
It’s when there’s no where else to walk in the living room because all the little toys are laying around because you, Julia, loves to play your tea party on the floor and not on the table. It’s when you drink milk on a cup and insisted of using spoon to scoop the milk and drink it that way and milk spills all over the place. It’s when you play your play-doh and most of it end up on the carpet.
These things are just what you would expect of a normal child. And I admit that it irritated me. The irritation also probably came from, Chloe you know this, how I always want things to be perfect.
It hurts to know that reality is both of you are scared of me. This fear had actually left a very negative impact mostly on you Chloe. You are forced to lie to me about the things that you’d know I would get mad about and just tell me what you know I want to hear. It’s heart breaking and really hard to admit that i cause all of that.
This is not the mother I want to be for you girls. It’s not how I want you both to remember me. And it’s absolutly not how I want you to remember how your childhood was like.
Promises are meant to be broken so I will not promise but will try my very best not to yell and just be calm. And to help myself to hopefully being close to becoming the better person and mother I want to be, I am challenging myself to days of no yelling. I am starting on an achievable goal, which is today. If I succeed, then until the holiday weekend. And so on…
I know you are just children and children make mistakes just as I do. I want you to both come running to me when you are scared and not run away from me and forced to lie to me because you know I will only get mad and yell at you. I am your mother not the enemy.
I love you both to pieces! I love you more than life!